From Chaos Comes Clarity

Proof, hearsay... same thing to "journalists"

2012-01-09T13:09:00.003-05:00

My response to someone's comments about Michael Musto's article, "More Proof that Joan Crawford Was a Horrible Mother"

Keith,

I wanted to thank you for so fervently and thoroughly defending Joan's legacy. People refuse to give her an ounce of credit when, after all she gave the industry and her fans, she deserves heaps. For decades her image has gone largely undefended, shredded mercilessly in a sea of greedy piranhas. Dull and forgettable themselves, these parasites can only hope that by chomping away at Joan they'll ingest even a shred of her luster. They'll scoff at that, but come on, which stars who began in silent pictures are we STILL WRITING GOSSIP PIECES ABOUT? The answer is Joan Crawford and Joan Crawford. Only magnetism like hers can attract publicity for nearly a century.

You can detect the outright prejudice against her when you see no mention of what a philanthropist she was. Christina even tried to discredit Joan's WWII charity work (having troops over for lunch; volunteering at the Hollywood Canteen), slandering it as "for publicity" and because she was "out of work." This alone tells the story of Christina's skewed, jealousy-drenched perspective and, in addition to her cocky arrogant demeanor, erases her credibility completely. She basically claims Joan helped the war effort not because she was giving and generous, but because she was jobless and bored.

Well you see, after Carole Lombard died in a plane crash on a trip collecting war bonds, Joan took over her role in 'They All Kissed the Bride' and donated her ENTIRE SALARY to the Red Cross in honor of Lombard ($5,000,000 when you adjust for inflation). Anyone making the charge that such a massive donation is "just for publicity" is obviously fueled by pure bitterness, resentment and determination to discredit her. And is probably living a quiet, meaningless life somewhere in Idaho - much like Christina Crawford, who by the way is so disgusted and destroyed by her mother that she chose to continue whoring, I mean carrying, her last name to this day. Hmm, from all the money she made destroying Joan, wonder how much Christina, charity expert extraordinaire, donated to anything.

Ironically though, I do think Christina's hateful publication actually served to expose Joan to a whole new generation of fans who wouldn't have known of her otherwise. Mommie Dearest sparked a curiosity about her that led people to discover the luminous actress and person she really was. The contrast between the film portrayal and the real Joan makes her even more intriguing. Thanks Tina! ;)

Oh and Helen Hayes was absolutely right about Joan's distaste for birthday parties. She threw birthday CARNIVALS. Here's a video: http://youtu.be/EshOoiAgmq8

Keith, I tried searching for you on Facebook but there's too many Keith Taylors. I reckon I'd enjoy having a like-minded person like you around.

company

2011-12-15T01:54:00.000-05:00

One that is loved is never solitary, for love can cross the vastest seas to be always at his side, buoying him in trenches, warming his most frigid night.

quotes from NY

2011-10-15T02:05:00.000-04:00

Kate's first NY. 10-8-11

Quotes from Katelyn's first NY:

1. (inhaling, exhaling as though refreshed)

"Ah, that New Jersey smell."

2. (pretending to be on the phone with my mom)

"Ok yeah, we're on our way to New York. We'll we back in about 2 years."

("hangs up")

"She said ok."

3. (frantically searching for an empty gift card)

"MY MCDONALD'S CREDIT CARD. IT'S GONE. NOW I HAVE NO ID."

4. (at Chelsea Waterside Park. the water attractions were the whole point of going)

"I'm not getting wet."

"Then why did you bother wetting your hair?"

"Publicity."

5. "Can we buy some high heels? They seem to wear very good heels here."

Dirty dog gets her day

2011-08-11T10:41:00.001-04:00

Yorkshire Terrier, 5, arrested for lewdness

Gracie's rash of crimes against her fluffy pink bed might finally be over. Local law enforcement (Katelyn) arrived at the scene with cuffs in hand, held them out to the tiny offender and said, "Gracie, you are under arrest for doing vandalism on this bed. You are also under arrest for doing porn on this bed." Gracie moped off with her head down.

Gracie's court date is scheduled for next week, where she is expected to plead "heat of passion."

(quotes from law enforcement are 100% real)

2011-08-09T20:58:00.000-04:00

It started when I mentioned my legion of adoring haters (they can't stand me but can't stand to be too far from me :) My friend had his own explanation for that, and I responded with my typical twisted remark or two. It was all in good fun, then my brother and his friend came into the mix and things shot straight to excellence.

(except he posted his comments in the wrong place so I combined both threads here)

Marcus Dunlap: remember....behind every awesome person is a pack of haters :p

Christina Lepone: love it. so true. me and casey anthony must have that in common. reviled for being awesome. it's sad how ppl tryna bomb us but it's like shooting water at the ocean cuz we ARE the bomb. word?

Marcus Dunlap: thats the spirit!....errr....I think...lol

Christina Lepone: see... you gotta admit some of us are just legitimately hated :p

Marcus Dunlap: there is always a reason....the thing is....sometimes the reason makes no sense...lol

*takeoff to excellence in 5,4,3,2*

John Lepone Jr: me and greg are worried after that post about casey anthony,there isnt any duct tape in the house is there!

Christina Lepone: well my friend said hated people are really just envied for being cool, so that would make casey pretty fn awesome

John Lepone Jr: greg says we will chip in for a therapist

John Lepone Jr: a baby killer is the furthest thing from awesome in my book

Christina Lepone: how can i repay you. oh i know, i'll pitch in for a dictionary for you to look up the word 'irony' :D

John Lepone Jr: irony?

Christina Lepone: yeah, it's a type of humor that some people cant interpret. i must say i'm disappointed... i thought greg had a sarcastic sense of humor.

John Lepone Jr: he says its a disgusting case to draw irony from,she should have been hung by her toenails

Christina Lepone: ok ok i'll cut the improper jokes. on best behavior for you guys.

Christina Lepone: so omg Marcus check this out right... me and Casey were at the club last night and these people came at us with torches, we were like yea we know we hot thxxxx. that's obviously what torches mean........right

Breakin the chains

2011-07-21T19:55:00.000-04:00

One of my friends I worked with at JCP was really down about graduating school and still being stuck working retail. I'm so happy she found work in her desired field. Here's an exchange we had just prior to her getting the new job. It's good to look back to those low places to appreciate how far you've really come and when you're feeling so far from where you want to be, how quickly things can turn around.

6/12/11

Today is one of those days, i feel like i really need to share some thoughts that have been going through my head. lately i've been having a tough time. not just me, but larry too. we're struggling with finances (an on-going battle thats getting really old), and employment. we both have jobs, and we're thankful for them. however, my job is causing some problems. im being overworked for a very unfair amount of pay and the stress is causing alot of problems. my self esteem is pretty much shot, and im going through a mentally and physically tough time. i dont know what God wants from me concerning this. i feel like there are no open doors, and trusting Him is becoming more of a burden than a relief. im scared, though im not afraid to say it.
some of you already know that i have two anxiety disorders that i also struggle with and though i take meds that do help, they are not magic pills, u know? well, all in all, im asking for prayer and encouragement from my friends. larry is trying his best to find a second job but he isnt having any luck thus far. i know some of you are struggling with similar problems, and you are in my thoughts and prayers as well.

Me to her:
6/13/11

I just read your note. It resonated with me so much, especially how the work, anxiety and self-esteem issues feed each other. I'm not here to say there's a big happy rainbow just ahead - you know that would be a pile of doodoo coming from MY cynical mouth. (Even though I AM so proud of you getting your degree and KNOW it will pay off :) I also personally know that when things appear to be stagnating, or maybe even worsening, hearing simplistic, optimistic mantras is more irritating than helpful. Our burden lies on the here and now, and the distant echoing promise of "someday" doesn't fix it.

What I am here to say is that you are not alone in feeling this way, and hopefully you will find solace in knowing it isn't your personal weakness, but one that's been so, so closely shared by me for a long time now.

I feel bad about leaving jcp as unexpectedly as I did, but it was just as much of a surprise to me. Suddenly, I couldn't bear the thought of another day there. I knew if I went in just one more day, even with the intention of giving 2 weeks notice, I'd see your and Grace's smiling faces and never follow through. The company and support you gave kept me tethered, but with my deteriorating emotional state and the futile, road-to-nowhere nature of the job, those tethers began to feel like chains.

Under the crushing weight of those chains, the manual, shit-paying labor started damaging my psyche and self-concept. After so many years there, I began to mistrust my own potential and abilities, surrendering to the belief that the menial drudgery and pay really is all I'm capable of. Deep down we know that belief is totally flawed, but being in such a subservient position for such an insulting wage makes it easy to feel worthless.

Let me know if you have any more you'd like to share privately. Or at Starbucks or Fridays etc :)

Christina
xoxo

Her to me:
6/13/11

Christina the way you described working at penney's is EXACTLY how i feel. i feel like im killing myself by working there. its insane. i really need to get out and im hoping something works out soon. starbucks sounds good... LOL

Disco Inferno

2011-07-21T19:47:00.001-04:00

I always turn on the disco station in the tank. Sometimes people writhing in flames just want to dance. It would be mean to disappoint them.

rak

2011-07-21T19:19:00.000-04:00

My car has run like a spring chicken with no problems since the day I got it, so naturally it needs bunch of repairs all at once. Nothing too serious, but it all adds up and I'm overwhelmed figuring out what it really needs (versus how much pocket money the mechanic needs) and what to fix first.

I was getting a routine oil change and tire balancing when Tires Plus discovered my steering rack is in dreadful shape. He described the rack as "falling off," and warned that it could fall off completely if I drive over a pothole. I began to wonder if he was trying to appeal to my womanly sensitivities, figuring I'd be so alarmed I'd have them fix it on the spot. You know I hate to disappoint. I flailed my arms wildly and collapsed into a heap. DEAR HEAVENS!!! As far as bumps in the road, my neighborhood is like driving on the face of the moon. Oh no, my gracious liege, you don't merely drive over a pothole, you fall into a crater! Save me. I left without any repairs.

I waited to get my mechanic's opinion, who did agree it needs some work, although not quite as direly as it had been presented. The work will get done, just not immediately. In the meantime I'll try to avoid driving into the craters around here. That's probably how my womanly sensitivities fell off so long, long ago.

Ca$ey

2011-07-15T06:31:00.003-04:00

Source: Facebook

HLN:
Beth Holloway, Rusty Yates, Ed Smart and Diena Thompson… all too familiar with the tragic feeling of a lost child. Tonight, Dr. Drew gets their reaction to the verdict in the Casey Anthony trial. Tune in starting at 9pET on HLN!
9 hours ago via HootSuite

*131 people like this.
*View all 418 comments

Christina:
Everyone weighs in on how appalling it would be for Casey to sell her story, then those same people take their media appearance check straight to the bank. So it's ok for them to make money off her story, but not Casey? Why don't these purveyors of "insight" disclose just how much they're being paid to talk about this tragedy. I'm guessing much more than the 2 cents it's worth.
2 seconds ago · Like

Doctor, doctor, please... shut up

2011-07-15T05:09:00.007-04:00

Mom and I took Katelyn to Children's Hospital today for an appointment with a cardiologist. Her cholesterol's been really high so her doctor referred us there. It's a scary appointment at any age, even more disturbing because she's only 8, but it's not as rare as it seems. Most people with high cholesterol probably had it from childhood but never knew because they didn't regularly screen kids for it back then. It's likely hereditary in her case but we're going to try diet adjustments and hope the number comes down.

Even during a serious visit like that, luckily Katelyn always has her shenanigans right around the corner. She has a tendency to wear her cynicism on her sleeve, and even in the midst of a big scary hospital and doctors with Nordic accents, today was no exception. Being a children's hospital, they have their ways of relating to kids to put them at ease. For instance the medical asst. cutely described that the blood pressure cuff was "just going to give your arm a little hug," which I guess works on most kids.

Katelyn isn't most kids.

He didn't quite know how to react after he started pumping the cuff and she queried, "I got up at 8 in the morning for THIS?" After several silencing glares from us, she appeared to stifle her annoyance down to just a few sighs and eyerolls. As we've all come to know, when it comes to Kate there's no muting her feelings. If she's thinking or feeling something, someway, somehow, you're gonna know it, even if it means her finding creative, nonverbal ways to sling them your way.

She managed to turn on the smiles when the big guy, the cardiologist, came in the room. But before long, her inner irritations were focused on executing a small bug. I hate bugs myself, but only ones that aren't respecting my space. This one was just doing its own thing, involved in its own little errands away from us. It even retreated under the exam table as if to say “See? You don’t even have to look at me. I’m gone.” Katelyn continued the chase. I said, "come on, that bug has just as much right to live as you, how would you like it if a giant came and stepped on you?"

She took this helpful insight as she normally does... and tirelessly pursued the bug to its doom. Dead wasn't even good enough. She noticed I, not wanting to glorify such brutality with attention, was ignoring the carcass. Unsatisfied with my inattention, she took it to the next level and smeared its remains, streaking it as badge of glory across the floor. I sensed this was her way of saying "The bug doesn't want to be dead just like I don't want to be here, yet HERE I AM."

The nutritionist probably fared the worst of all. This poor woman was the one faced with perilous task of telling Katelyn to lay off the Doritos. That proceeded in a way that I wouldn't be surprised if she quit immediately after leaving the room. She came in with an upbeat cadence of Fruits! Vegetables! Less steak, less junk food, don't eat the skin on chicken! After looking on in silent horror for several minutes, Katelyn finally announced, "You're ruining the happiness of my life.” Never having met Katelyn, the woman was a bit taken aback. She’s probably used to hearing a lot of “ewws” and “yucks,” but handling such deep despair is probably beyond her training. After regaining her composure, she finally mustered up that Katelyn can still have things she enjoys, but healthy food can be enjoyable too.

It was apparent that Katelyn was nearing the end of her patience for this pile of bull, and the suggestion that baked chips could replace her beloved Doritos was the last straw. In the space of a moment, she broke loose and unleashed a horde of elephants on the lady's cheery parade of fruits and vegetables. "Can't you just enjoy life without worrying about all this?" Katelyn demanded. "I just want to ENJOY life." We all sat in stunned silence, but she kept going. "I don't have friends, everything is hard, hard all the time, and you have to take away my happiness."

Do NOT underestimate Doritos.

2011-07-15T04:34:00.000-04:00

As much as I fear being forever misunderstood, being all figured out is probably much worse.

substance vs convenience

2011-07-15T04:16:00.002-04:00

Public relations, the business of negotiating a friendly relationship between a public entity and its public. With the increasingly dominating presence of social media, public relations must now extend its warm, soothing tendrils to the vast expanses of social networking sites. It makes some sense. It allows organizations to conduct what appears to be to be direct, mutual contact with the public. As I search for public relations internships to get my baby tendrils wet, I'm still very much hoping that I'll get to engage in actual press outreach (obtaining coverage and placement in the media). I cringe at the thought of becoming just another peddler of Tweets and status updates. Mutual communication aside, it's a crime when content that could flourish in a less constricted format gets condensed to fit the status-feed mold. Social media posting is a classic example of overproduction, the fast food of creative content. A quicker, cheaper way to feed millions, but the product has very little substance.

This doesn't only apply to companies, but regular old Joes (Josephines?) like myself. I used to write blogs, which involves actually fleshing out ideas, but I've turned to pushing out fragmented status updates. The authors aren't to blame, we're just victims of the format that's taken reign, and we must go where the visibility is. We still have compelling stuff to say, the stream format of social media has just made it much harder to compel. Pausing a waterfall is never easy, unless of course you're Poseidon and can manipulate forces of nature however you want (i.e. have dedicated fans that actually stop to savor your every word). I'm good at manipulating but not THAT good.

The drawback of the content wave is that by the time your little piece of it reaches shore, a new wave is already pushing it back out to sea. Those looking from the beach might have gotten a glance at best before their focus is distracted away to something else. Something new. Not necessarily something better. Much like mine was distracted from what I wanted to talk about in this post!

Here are my most coveted PR internships for this summer:

TCM - Turner Classic Movies PR. Dream job. They're the only exhibitor left of Hollywood's Golden Age, so doing PR for them is equivalent to doing publicity for MGM or Warners. Garbo or Gable. A job glistening with glitter, dripping with glamour, baby.

Cliveden House - Historical mansion in Germantown, significant site of the Revolutionary War. I already engage in unofficial promotion of the place, a proper job here is only the next logical step. Every time I pass, my imagination takes me to the thick of battle in 1777. Whatever unfortunate soul who happens to be with me gets to hear a spirited account of the how the house was used as a fortress by American soldiers, its walls bearing the scars of British cannons. See, I'm practically doing PR for this place as I type! *waves to administrators*

Mystery whipping

2011-07-15T04:05:00.000-04:00

It feels like my tenure at JCPenney has finally come to a close. Long overdue? Probably. I really only semi-quit. I didn't have the guts to make a complete break, so I took the less drastic step and went on leave. Until further notice. That I really don't intend to give.

It wasn't a full-time gig anyway, but it was just often and just menial enough to make me miserable. I spent 6 years there and the last few were dismal, with the exception of a couple really good friends. If I really stretched, I could say that helping customers was sometimes "rewarding," but when the bulk of my job was spent cleaning up their messes, it became nearly impossible to appreciate. Most of my dissatisfaction was in my psyche, and stemmed from nagging thought that I was doing less than I'm capable of. People tell me I'm capable of so much, can go so far, have so much potential, and I have yet to see if that's true. But when my occupation is menial, manual labor that pays me a pittance, it affects my own perceptions of my potential. With each passing year I spent there, not much closer to any other career goals, I became a little more convinced that maybe it IS all I'm capable of. After all, if you aren't willing to do what it takes to reach your potential, is it even potential at all? Let's say I'm intelligent enough to become a doctor but am also an emotional mess who can't stay focused on goals. On the path to those goals, anxiety and depression stand as a massive blockade. Can potential still exist beyond that humongous roadblock, or does the potential end at the roadblock?

Well I quit so we'll finally get to see. Now what? Finishing school, public relations internship hopefully, but what about the pesos? Loot? Smackeroos?

What I'm doing in place of JCP still doesn't pay me tremendously, but the work is more interesting, not nearly as stultifying as the other job. The title is more intriguing too. I'm now a field agent. And if I told you what sort of field agent, I'd have to kill... the intrigue because it's not really that cool.

I sat down with a national magazine to tell the eagerly awaiting masses what it is that I do for work now. (aka took texts between a friend and me and compiled them into a Q & A)

Q: So about your job....you just go shopping for free and get paid??

A: Not necessarily shopping. I assess all kinds of employees, from valet parking to supermarkets to daycare centers. It's good because I can construe it as being communications work, which is my major in school. In essence it's true, because I let the companies know if their employees are communicating effectively, verbally and nonverbally.

Q: Ahh you are a sort of a whistle blower?

A: Yeah, but I'm lenient. If you can believe that.

Q: Haha! Yeah, I looked up "Lenient" on wiki and i saw a section on what lenient is not....it had your pic as an example

A: Well I walk in with a whip and medieval flail, you know, one of those spiked balls attached to a chain. So I do appear pretty menacing.

Q: I thought you were supposed to blend in?

A: No see that's exactly how I'm lenient. I look conspicuous, which prompts them to give me their best service and get a good review. See grasshopper?

I’m a dog walker, watchin dogs go by.

2011-07-08T01:28:00.019-04:00

During our walk with Gracie, Katelyn and I saw some sort of berries on the sidewalk that had fallen from a tree. They were red, so the splatter from the fall had them looking pretty gruesome on the concrete. I said, “Well, someone finally killed It (the evil clown). We can all rest easy now.”

We saw several other dogs along our walk, but Gracie is pretty antisocial and not afraid to express it. Maybe she takes after me. Either that or she’s trying to compensate for her wittle size by having a big bark. On the way back there was a couple walking their dog up ahead of us. Kate tried to hurry Gracie along to catch up to them so our dogs could "meet" but Gracie wasn’t having it and continued at a relaxed pace.

Kate advised Gracie that “You need to get out there and meet other dogs.” Advice we could all benefit from. But it gets even more insightful. “Gracie, if you don’t meet other dogs, you’ll never meet your future love." Gracie continued to walk casually, not hastening her pace one bit. As the dog up ahead faded further and further into the distance, Gracie was telling us she’s quite content with our love.

Bow

2011-06-18T21:53:00.040-04:00

A final chance. Grovel before me, and I *might* let you go with just a lashing.

Ok so being treated as royalty has me on a bit of a power trip this weekend. Well, one might say I'm treated like that every weekend what's the big deal, but this royal treatment actually took place in a castle, with knights, so it was particularly convincing. Glen took me to Baltimore for the anniversary (8 years. gasp.) and got us the 'royal package' - front row seats to a marvelous dinner show they call Medieval Times. Inside the castle, the main event features knights decked out in full attire, dramatic jousting matches, and striking, poetic medieval dialogue. They also encourage audience participation, with each color-coded section of the arena designated its own knight to root for throughout the tournament. The atmosphere is so immersive, it's startling when you step outside and realize you're in the middle of a shopping center. Once we got on the road I think I was still in medieval zone, because I kept wanting to "joust" with other vehicles. To this day, if someone cuts me off on the road - obvious initiation of battle - I have to stop myself from throwing a spear through their window.

I already want to go back. They do have one in Jersey that's even closer. I propose that the audience gets to use Jersey tomatoes on the defeated knights.

VA is for...

2011-05-28T17:55:00.003-04:00

Might or might not be going to VA for the weekend. Even if their "Virginia is for lovers" marketing blatantly excludes me. Does that mean if I'm a hater I should just stay the hell away? Hmm, yeah, maybe the slogan is actually cautionary, like a big sign saying "miserable a-holes enter at your own risk." Let's say, just for the sake of example, that I'm bitter and despise most people. If I show up and the place is that overflowing with affection and romance, I'd likely end up on some kind of rampage. Assuming the land is riddled with Cupid's spent arrows, the weapon of choice is just too obvious. *writes this down as idea for next play*

But Virginia, the silly fool, would benefit to broaden its target audience to include the loveless. The question is, what does it have to offer its more hateful visitors? The historical battlefields would only be a tease. Hateful kid: "Mommyyyy, I want to see bloodshed and carnage NOW not 200 years agoooo." *trying to operate fake cannon* "And now this thing won't even kill you. I want to go home!"

There's hope for the hateful yet. Let's see. For me the only worthwhile trip there would involve heaps of baked Virginia ham. And that's not even an insult because I actually find ham appealing enough to build an entire trip around.

So, in just a few seconds I've already conceived a new publicity campaign for the state.

I want to be swept away by ham, with spectacular views (shimmering with glaze before me, being carved, or an entire blossoming field of it) and ample accommodations (my stomach).

By hyperfocusing on the lovers bit, they are overlooking a, ahem, huge audience.

Clearly,

Virginia is for chubbers.

Montco Paranormal

2011-05-20T15:42:00.000-04:00

My friend Gretchen does a web show for the Montco Paranormal investigation crew. It was a great honor to be asked to contribute to the show. Originally, I was to come up with some topic ideas. That part never happened. I felt I could have greater impact by contributing more directly to the show in real-time. The way I did this was by texting Gretchen, one of the live hosts, and making her laugh inappropriately during the live broadcast. Here is a sample of one of my text message "contributions" to the show:

Gretchen: Doing the Montco Paranormal Live show right now.
Me: I think Marlon Brando is haunting me.
Gretchen: Really?
Me: I have these vivid sexual visions of him. please help.
Gretchen: Lmfao are you serious?
Me: shortly after the visions start, my lower body goes into spasms. do you think maybe he is possessing me?

shelling out

2011-04-22T04:38:00.062-04:00

I'm lonely and withdrawn, but I cant tell if its an affliction or a choice. A clam in a shell that's been slammed shut, but was I born with it shut or did I close it on myself?

It feels so much like a trap, one I'm in against my will and would do anything to escape. The truth is that it's a shield, one I stay behind voluntarily. Even when something comes knocking that I want to break out and see, do, or throw my arms out and hug, I stay sealed in because I'm terrified.

Another problem is being both desperate and selective. The few things I want seem so far away, either too far or too daunting to even embark toward. Those I don't particularly care about are slightly more accessible. Am I wrong to reject those and elect isolation instead? If I indifferently engage myself in the convenient and available, I may as well put on an Easter bunny suit and drag my feet.

Everybody knows, when one is in a bunny suit, one should be hopping.

spillage

2011-04-21T00:11:00.000-04:00

I'm feeling guilty, which can only mean one thing - the other party is so grossly in the wrong it's spilling over onto my conscience.

Like when the stench of Chinatown invades your car and for a second you think it's your own BO.

shhhh

2011-04-06T20:32:00.000-04:00

Amen to this, and also to using the hammer on violators. shh...trike.

Dancin' Dean

2011-03-30T05:26:00.002-04:00

Don't let the dancing fool you, he's still the Rebel. He beats that beat up. The rhythm doesn't move him. The rhythm moves because he's stepping on it. not a cause to be found.

Eartha Kitt leads a dance class, James Dean in attendance

Heavenly creatures

2011-03-23T17:23:00.003-04:00

Liz, we're really feeling your loss. It's so gloomy when all the true stars we had down here have been taken back to the sky.

Do me a favor? I know you two had your differences, but it would be really sweet if you could wish Joan a happy birthday for me. If all else fails, Vodka or Pepsi will patch things right up.

Love,
Christina

hello from 1945 Malibu

2011-03-18T07:30:00.000-04:00

You probably still don't want to see me so I may as well make it easier for you. I've been really weird, well weird by normal standards, normal for me. I've been up for days with barely any sleep, I have a pain in my back and I keep worrying it's my kidney so I can't relax. It's probably better I keep my neurosis contained from this world and transport my existence into cinematic worlds pretending I live in the films I like. So let me hurry back to my booming business and ingrate daughter.

Mildred Pierce
(Christina)

Katelyn by Katelyn

2011-03-07T19:22:00.011-05:00

My niece freestyles what seems to be a complete autobiography in just 15 seconds.

Short as it is, this piece showcases key creative abilities. Most impressive is how she can improvise such completely original material, all while being coherent and concise. Further, she lays that originality over a framework of popular trends - a potent formula for commercial success. Notice how the vocal style bears an uncanny resemblance to Britney Spears.

faith no more

2011-02-11T12:18:00.000-05:00

Can they possibly be filled?

In my last post I pledged my faith to the new HBO miniseries, Mildred Pierce. I use the word "faith" because the original 1945 film is so much to live up to. Could anyone really attempt a role Joan Crawford has commanded for nearly 70 years? Evidenced by the Oscar she won for it, hers are massive shoulders to fill.

The only thing stopping me from crying out in protest is that the new Mildred is being played by another of my very favorite actresses, Kate Winslet, so I vowed to have faith. Problem is, my faith likes to exercise its independence. It has a penchant for abandoning me quite readily, especially when I try to commit to it. I should have known the comparison would be inevitable, but my faith took it upon itself to compare the original Mildred Pierce trailer to the new one. I found this suicide note shortly after:

Idiot,
I heard you planned to have me around for this show. A little presumptuous, no? Anyway, I saw a video of the original Mildred, which you conveniently left out before. Did you really think I wouldn't find it and compare them? Well I did, and I'd just like to say so long. You'll have to watch this new Mildred without me, as I'll shortly be taking a plunge onto some jagged rocks.

(not) Yours truly,
Faith

melodramatic:

understated:

Mildred Pierce: An Invitation To The Set (HBO)

2011-02-11T06:55:00.003-05:00

Normally I'd be dubious of them tampering with this film (even if they deny it's a remake), but it's Kate, so faith I must have.

celebration

2011-02-10T05:57:00.000-05:00

__________ has no power over me and I will prevail.

I am loved by ________.

Today, i celebrate self-delusion.

positive rage

2011-02-02T05:24:00.002-05:00

I'm finally starting to see the upside of things. Like when I'm stuck behind a car that's making the slowest right turn, I normally get mad, maybe even say an expletive out loud. Then I realized, there is opportunity to be had in their slowness.

It gives me ample time to throw a grenade in their path.

Pants on fire

2011-02-02T05:18:00.004-05:00

It's fun when I overhear someone on their phone lying about their whereabouts. Knowing I could destroy them with one loud sentence makes me warm inside.

I was in Starbucks and this girl, also at Starbucks, answers her phone and goes "Oh hi! I'm at home doing some work. I'm just staying in tonight. yawn. " Does she not realize public places have ambient noise that sounds nothing at all like home? I could have just laughed really loudly and watched her toil through an excuse. "Oh that was... a clown. I never mentioned my pet clown?"

memememe...an

2011-02-02T05:16:00.004-05:00

Maybe if I make a record of my meanness, someday I'll look back and realize how wrong I was. Doubtful though.

him: I'll miss you while you're gone though.
me: what could you miss? you'll still have the option to send me perfunctory messages throughout the day. that I'll still scarcely respond to. It'll be like I never left.

Chloe Sevigny Leaving Chateau Marmont

2011-02-01T08:23:00.003-05:00

the mischievous smile. bashfully seductive lower lip bite. the 'sorry g2g' curtsy. the going to Devo concerts. and the slightly disheveled hair because she doesn't even have to try to be this IMPOSSIBLY CUTE.

the stampede of children & her reaction make me laugh in surprise no matter how many times I see it.

Gloomy Sunday Instrumental

2011-02-01T03:47:00.001-05:00

Beneath the pain it's easy to miss, through the sorrow it's hard to notice, but this piece finds and unfolds the beauty in despair, and wraps you in it so softly that it feels unusually wonderful.

"Gloomy Sunday," composed by Hungarian pianist and composer Rezső Seress in 1933 (original Hungarian title "Szomorú vasárnap")

Presenting...

2011-01-27T03:04:00.000-05:00

by Katelyn, my niece, whom I've officially crossed into the Golden Age of Hollywood. it's graaand ♥

related dialogue:

Gretchen: Don't you have a freaking scanner?!?

Christina: You're right, my phone does this piece no justice. I should have used my scanner to capture the richness of each pigment and brushstroke.

Gretchen: DAMN STRAIGHT.

2011-01-24T03:51:00.001-05:00

If there is a single remnant of ice on a surface, however small, it is apparently my personal mission to find and slip on it (if missions can be completely accidental and involuntary)

What a reversal of expectations. I've been called an ice queen so it seems people should be slipping and falling AT my feet, yet I'm the one slipping? I can only interpret this as insubordination. Perhaps I'll coat my doorstep with ice so visitors will bow properly. But probably not before I go out and slip on it first.

zodiac furor

2011-01-24T03:45:00.001-05:00

Everyone is up in arms at the proposed revisions to the zodiac. Judging by the outraged reaction, this poses a threat to people's identity equal to finding out you have a different father. Actually, I think many would welcome a different father more than a change in zodiac sign. Fathers don't offer nearly as much sage advice and guidance as horoscopes.

The new chart suggests I may be a Libra instead of a Scorpio. At first I thought it would be as plain and simple as deciding for myself - Scorpio has worked for me all these years, I'm gonna stick with it. Essentially a polite 'no thank you' to the new setup. Then, like all revolutions begin, the chanting and outcry infected me. With everyone protesting the changes and holding their original sign in the air with clenched fists, I decided I should be damn appalled and damn militant about this too.

To show how seriously I take my zodiac sign, I'm going to start stabbing people with my ass.

I just need to know how to fasten a sharp object to my ass to serve as my scorpion stinger. I'm not sure how to go about this, so I might ask my friend Gretchen who seems very experienced in anal practices.

Let's Get Back (to awesome ND)

2011-01-24T03:29:00.003-05:00

The problem with listening to old No Doubt is that it fills me with euphoria and then the withdrawals start. I hate being re-addicted to a drug no longer in production :'(

Snow: powdery substance disguised as 'natural'

2011-01-14T20:15:00.002-05:00

The gravity and importance of snow obviously cannot be overstated. Even small amounts consume entire newscasts. If a powdery substance in the mail is alarming, it falling on us from the sky is clearly terrifying.

This message is for those of you who hear snow in the forecast and react with shock, panic, and incessant remarking about the weather. Even though many people might tell you you're overreacting, or that your constant weather inquiries and analysis are annoying, don't be fooled. You are right to be alarmed, do NOT let any of the rogues tell you otherwise. Do you see the way they throw balls of it at each other and roll in it like they're enjoying it? These odd rituals suggest something deeper, something they don't want you to know.

Snow falls century after century and by now seems very mundane and normal to most people, but you know better. Snow isn't made of water like they tell us in grade school. It's more likely some combination of toxic chemicals. Why else would they need crystals with a name like SODIUM CHLORIDE (rock salt) to melt it? Outwardly it appears to fall and make the ground slippery, but what happens when snow melts? Emits nuclear radiation, most likely.

Although the hysteria seems to be all for nothing and no one ever dies of snow, do you really want to wait around for the time it wipes out entire populations? Do me... I mean, yourself, a favor: Enter a bomb shelter or flee to a tropical climate and never return to Pennsylvania. The rest of us will stay on as martyrs. Remember our names. cheerio.

diet and exercise rock

2011-01-14T03:13:00.001-05:00

like a rock bludgeoning my head.

I don't get what my friend means by "falling off track" with her diet. does that mean it's successful? Because when mine fails like it is currently, I want to fall ON tracks. the kind trains frequent.

This must be why they call exercise 'training." It does feels like a locomotive passing over my body, which consequently would trim me down.

Herein lies a contemplation

2011-01-03T02:15:00.001-05:00

In a voice projected for an auditorium or cathedral, this lady on the phone at McDonalds goes, "well it's like this quote I always say...." She even stopped midstride and paused, like she had to summon a deep inner strength to deliver words of such magnitude. My attention was admittedly captured; this seemed like it was going to be truly profound.

She went on to completely bungle an inspirational quote as well as murder approximately every rule of grammar known to the English language. It was so incomprehensible, I'm still sitting here frustratedly wondering what the actual message was supposed to be. I'm only slightly versed in retardation, but I'll attempt to transcribe. "That to which you run...this is the thing in you...the thing you run from... but within is which you haven't...." If anyone remotely recognizes this, please tell me the conclusion, preferably in standard English. If she truly "always says" that, her listeners must all wear brick hats to fill the constant urge to smash their head into a wall.

All this could have been easily avoided if she didn't start with "that to which" and spoke normally. So many people fall victim to this, tripping over themselves trying to sound proper and making my brain crave a bullet. Here is a quote I love and should have shared with her about grandiose speech:

"That is the sort of nonsense up with which I will not put" - Winston Churchill

I'm slick

2010-12-30T20:53:00.000-05:00

To jerks with SUVs and FWD,

I know you'd rather me and my mustang stay home and out of your way when it snows, but I have a couple things to clarify. My tires aren't spinning on the ice because they're struggling. It's an extended version of peeling out, something done by highly cool people.

Also, when I was pulling into that driveway and the back end of my car was sliding side to side, I wasn't stuck at all. I was making a snow angel with my car. A damn good one, might I add. So your car might be faster at getting through snow, but it can't touch my style. Until it snows again and I rear end you.

love,
girl in mustang

stories by the fireside

2010-12-24T23:33:00.006-05:00

Like it lights up trees and houses, Christmas also has a way of setting imaginations aglow. As such, my favorite part of this Christmas has been coming up with backstories for dead deer on the road. Festive, aren't I?

I'll share a couple.

Somewhere in Horsham, land of dark desolate roads:

Oh no! Poor Dascher. Or is it Dasher? Is he German or just really fast? Sadly, no one ever cared enough to confirm either way. After years and years of Rudolph stealing the spotlight, he just couldn't take it anymore. He wandered off into the black night and brooded about all the times he had been overlooked and underappreciated. He saw white lights emerge in the black distance and made up his mind. If no one would give him the spotlight, he'd take it for himself. Dashing in front of the oncoming headlights, he finally got it.

On I-76:

Prancer's wife knew how he got HIS name. He loved attention and always pranced seductively in front of females. Somehow, she learned to accept his reputation as a doe magnet. But acceptance has its limits. One day while doing some cleaning, she discovered female tracks in his stable and it sent her over the edge. Of all rotten tramps, an ELK? She knew he was low, but not that low. Knowing the sleigh would soon be departing for a test flight, she went to it and gnawed at Prancer's leash until it was withered down a good bit. After takeoff, it frayed and frayed until, much like the wife, it completely snapped, sending Prancer plummeting to his doom in suburban PA.

Neon. not so bright

2010-12-22T05:44:00.000-05:00

If I ever find myself at the helm of a bulldozer, I'm coming straight for the Dodge Neons. Roadways will praise my name. I expect certain obstructive behavior from say, Buicks or Oldsmobiles, but the plodding craftiness of the Neon is an enigma. I've never seen a model of vehicle so consistently necessary yet impossible to pass. They align themselves with traffic so you're perfectly blocked from getting around them, all while going speeds my niece could easily tailgate in her powerwheels. How are Neons invariably manned by slowpokes with a penchant for the left lane? Were these cars specifically marketed for slow drivers? Typical car ads would be wasted on them; a car hugging curves or gliding around mountainsides would do NOTHING for this group. They have an entirely different definition of exciting.

I don't remember Neon ads, but I can imagine how one might play. Open with a wolf valiantly leading a pack through the wilderness. Intercut with shots of a Neon plugging up a road with a heap of cars backed up behind it. "How does it feel to be leader of the pack? Let Neon show you."

Barbara Walters 'Most Fascinating'

2010-12-20T18:29:00.007-05:00

Barbara Walters reveals her selections for Most Fascinating People of 2010.

It might be thought that after so many years in an industry, you keep a fresh perspective by giving some creative control to younger production assistants. Not Barbara Walters.

It's ignorant and unfair to call them a train wreck. Locomotive accidents are far more fascinating.

If Barbara wanted to capture this degree of power and influence, interviewing the King and Queen from her chess set would have done. Historically, people are called King or Queen when they rule something. This group hasn't ruled anything for 300 years but maintains the royal titles and elaborate ceremonies. The mental health community might call this 'megalomania' or 'grandiose delusions,' but for the show's sake we'll stick with 'fascinating.'

Reaching this level of fame and fortune from YouTube is revolutionary, but that's not why he's here. Barbara is more fascinated that he allegedly kissed a girl on a date - at only 16! - and isn't afraid to press him on it for the entire segment. I tell you, I haven't seen probing, hard-nosed journalism like this since 1920.

Just as the host was ruining all hope, Betty is here to prove you can actually get cooler with age. Barbara is somewhere between fascinated and skeptical.

Fascinatingly overpaid. Next.

Scantily talented 'diva' becomes judge of talent. Touche: fascinating.

Fascinating we're still drenching her in spotlight then complaining that she won't go away

Armed with edgier roles, a barrage of dry sarcasm, and marriage to a biker named after an outlaw, Sandra hasn't been subtle about demolishing her good girl image. She smiles in silent rage while all this goes fascinatingly unnoticed by Barbara, who still calls her 'girl next door' after 20 years. Kinda like Barbara is still 'fresh, edgy journalist' after 60.

Sandra, some people just can't decode sarcasm so you have to go with something more direct. try this on for size: GIRLS NEXT DOOR DONT HAVE BLACK BABIES BITCH.

I bet after the rest of the world learned of Patty Duke's drug addiction Barbara did a segment called Patty Duke: America's Sweetheart.

Mother Teresa in pinstripes

2010-12-15T20:21:00.000-05:00

Cliff Lee didn't return to Philly for $50mil less than NY's offer because he loves it. It's his version of doing community service for 3rd world countries.

Invader Tim

2010-12-14T13:07:00.003-05:00

One of the most clever, hilarious novelists ever, Dickens is easily one of my favorite writers. His 'Great Expectations' ranks as one of my favorite books of all time. Alas, seeing a stage production of 'A Christmas Carol' last weekend reminded me that I will forever be disappointed by the ending of one of his most celebrated tales. Why is it applauded that Scrooge caves to societal pressure and conforms? What a disgrace of a moral. bah :)

I'll never forget doing that play for our 8th grade holiday show. Well truthfully I forget just about all of it except for one part: my classmate's stirring rendition of Tiny Tim (mildly disturbing counts as stirring doesn't it). His dialogue and mannerisms were so mechanical and devoid of emotion, it was as if a droid had taken over the boy's body. That's actually a pretty awesome twist on the story. As everyone knows, in the original Scrooge bestows a wonderful turkey on the Cratchits and the next thing you know Tim goes from the brink of death to the picture of cheerful health. Turkey and cheer are nice but Joey's blank stare adaptation offers a bit more intrigue. Maybe the Cratchits were offered extraterrestrial technology that allowed the boy to live healthfully in droid or cyborg form. Visionary.

On behalf of our class I'd like to apologize to Joey for any heckling he might have endured for being awkward or weird. No one realized how inventive you really were, and the shame is all ours.

God. Bless. Us. Every. One. Terminate. Transmission. *blink*

breath of life

2010-12-08T20:29:00.001-05:00

If it's rude to give someone a breathalyzer for christmas, too bad. It's the one and possibly only gift this person has unquestionably earned. Going to the bar to slash their tires on a nightly basis does sound like a fun alternative, and something that fun for a good cause (keeping overconfident drunks off road) is a rare opportunity, but in the meantime he gets the breathalyzer.

Potentially saving his life is worth every penny of what it'll cost. It's one of those keychain deals on sale for $6 (I appraised his value to the world and that's the figure I came up with).

wring my bell

2010-12-03T08:26:00.007-05:00

Wow salvation army ringers still dare to say God bless you. Soliciting money can't ever be an easy job, but especially now. Not only are people in financial straits but you've also got so many trying to wipe public places clean of religion. This doesn't make for a very seasonable climate to ask for money or invoke God in the middle of public hubs, but these brave souls do both at once.

Good on them, but I am awaiting the day a holiday-weary atheist or PC enforcement loon explodes on them and that perky little bell becomes a wild rattle crying out for help in the fray. It's not that I'm eager to see it, but it is so harrowing I might be transfixed to stand and watch. And I wouldn't find it funny in the least, but sometimes when I see something terrible I do start laughing uncontrollably. I'm full of strange habits really.

remote control

2010-12-03T03:56:00.002-05:00

"On the go" is one of the top most annoying, overused buzzphrases of the mobile device revolution. Must every piece of marketing use this phrase? "Edit business documents on the go." "Manage your money on the go." "Use Facebook to stalk someone's whereabouts while on the go (to their whereabouts)."

Well it took a long while, but I'm glad to report this phrase is finally serving my needs. Inflicting misery and annoyance is important to me, but what about when I'm on the go? IS there an app for that? There is, friends, and changing the channel on the tv at home while I'm out is hands down the most fun I've ever had with my phone. Comcast's iphone app gives you all the tv listings, and from there you can tune the TV to any program or record it on DVR. The DVR scheduling feature is really handy, but as far as annoying people, the tuner is instrumental.

Just interrupting whatever's on was a fun thought by itself, but then I had the idea to put a method to it. For instance, when I was pretty sure my dad would be home glued to FOX News, I switched the channel to MSNBC. When I knew my mom was probably watching her late-night Oprah, I switched it to pig autopsies on Dirty Jobs.

I can't ask anyone if they noticed and risk them tracing it to me. I want it to remain inexplicable, maybe even mystical. You know, like those people who think electronics are sending them messages. MSNBC overtaking the tv =

BECOME A DEMOCRAT JOHN. OBAMA IS THE ANSWER JOHN. GIVE IN TO HIM AND BE SAVED.

and Oprah is a pig who must be destroyed?

sweet darlin, you get the best of my lava

2010-11-29T20:52:00.008-05:00

Lava, love... both mesmerizingly beautiful but can scald you to the bone. And baby I've got SO much lava to give, you won't know if you're drowning or burning or savoring.

No surprise we did Kate's science project on volcanoes. Volatile and beautiful forces of nature that they are, it was like studying our own personal biology :)

Plus if there's any more outbursts in school, using an eruption analogy will silence her critics. Do you see volcanoes getting suspended for acting in their nature? NO.

wait am I enabling?

black friday: help

2010-11-27T03:54:00.004-05:00

My work is completely pillaged. The customers are savage today. I've seen people shamelessly using strollers to plow their way through crowds. If they were tactical they'd put horned viking helmets on the kids to ram asses. But they're just dumb.

I guess it's easy to be barbaric and primitive in the stifling jungle climate we've recreated. It's like a cauldron in here.

Today's word: INQUISITIVE

2010-11-22T08:14:00.000-05:00

Katelyn and I have a ton in common, and one of the bonds we share is our love of language (some might go as far as saying we use too much of it. bores). She is extremely inquisitive, whenever she encounters something she doesn't know, she stops to examine , learn and stash it away in her arsenal. I say arsenal because she often finds very strategic ways to use this knowledge, sometimes in ways you would NOT expect.

So we had a word bestowal last night. I used a word, she inquired and absorbed. I consider it a bestowal because words are some of the best gifts you can get, like little certificates that never lose their value or usefulness. If you know how to combine them, you can use them to obtain what you desire. They also have a lot to give, as you can use them to fill others with pleasure, laughter or warmth. Or of course, and maybe the most fun, you can use them against people. Weapons are also assets!

So I lied in the title. Inquisitive was not really today's word at all.

Today's real word: PUTRID.

After learning its meaning, she exclaimed "COOL," so I know she'll be using it in no time. Who needs Sesame Street when you have me?

foxy

2010-11-13T15:32:00.000-05:00

fox admiring fox

I did an image search for 'fox', the animal, and the whole first page is half naked Megan Fox pictures. psst kids, if you want the research for your next project to be super fun, have the topic involve foxes and beavers.

skew(er)ed time

2010-11-11T22:15:00.004-05:00

I'm in a grocery store lounge when I realize I am in a scene that punctuates the difference between those who live for the future and those who live in the past. There's a group of Asians studying their brains off. Then there's me, watching '40s movies on my DVD player. Then it dawns on me why I started coming here in the first place. Their fireplace is cozy, and I always wish we would have used the fireplace in our old house. Again, trying to recreate the past. How can I reel myself back to the present when there's nothing about it that baits me? The past always calls me back. "Come, it's warmer by the fire." So here I fall, back by the fire and into the embrace of 1941 cinema.

Though if these people would close their books, break out the beef skewers and invite me to a Pu Pu platter over the fireplace, the present would be more tempting.

failure to launch

2010-11-11T15:37:00.000-05:00

Dear those who say "fail" or "epic fail" to feel superior without having to earn it: come up with a superior method. The one-word approach to superiority is failing you. Rather than the scathing effect you desire, it just makes the failure you refer to look better. If I fall off a skateboard and gash my leg, I look dumb. If you call out "fail" from the safe bosom of the sidewalk, I look courageous, and the image of you skulking away virginally makes my gashes gleam with valor. The same applies in verbal debate. If Hitler makes a speech praising nuclear weapons and Ghandi stands by whimpering "fail," who would appear more awesome? Nukes, to be sure. See how these things can get turned around on you?

Condescension should be concise when possible, but always original (the part you struggle [see: fail] with).

yes, dear

2010-11-10T16:14:00.003-05:00

I think I figured out how the word "dear" came to refer to lovers and companions. Deer, the animals, are a lot like love interests. Passing by from afar, they're just so innocent and adorable and begging to be petted. Once they step into my path, or life, all that evaporates and they transform into ridiculous creatures I must avoid and whose stupidity is intolerably apparent. Even after they're behind me I can't help but curse them.

pervert alert

2010-11-05T16:42:00.002-04:00

I'm so glad Grooveshark keeps splashing gigantic lingerie ads across my screen (and how 'gigantic' they are). The world is better off when perverts like me can be easily identified from all ends of a public place.

special moments

2010-11-04T15:47:00.001-04:00

when late night emails betray my madness.

to:    Glen
date:   Wed, Nov 3, 2010 at 2:41 AM
subject:   demand

i mean request. if you can find it, could you make a copy of A Woman's Face for me? not the one with lousy Ingrid Bergman. i need 1941. starring your dAD & Madonna.

thaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaanks.

to:   Glen
date:   Wed, Nov 3, 2010 at 2:59 AM
subject:   again

could you also look for one called LOVE ON THE RUN i cant seem to rent it.

LOVE ON THE RUN is from 1936 and it's American ok don't get the bullshit French movie of the same name. i cant find a torrent and there are rumours it didn't get a DVD release and what a fucn travesty that pieces of dogshit like THE HANGOVER are revered and committed to disc by the billions and this sterling film gets the shaft. THE HANGOVER should be printed and released on actual dogshit* while LOVE ON THE RUN gets put on disc.

* flatten the shit into pages and imprint shots like a filmstrip. viable. incidentally i am quite sure this is just the sort of memorabilia the fanbase of this movie would positively cherish. the distributor should absolutely release the dogshit version of THE HANGOVER as a special Collector's Edition, and hire needy dogs, like maybe from that Sarah McLachlan animal commercial, to provide the medium. they make money pooping out this film, everyone wins. except sarah mclachlan who'd lose her only gig and livelihood but maybe she could help the dogs with 'production' as well just a thought.

xtina

afterword

the former has me in stitches the latter has me in safety scissors, so dull i try to cut myself but can't.

starving artists

2010-11-03T15:50:00.003-04:00

"Wanna go to Starbucks to write?" My answer at this point in my on-again-off-again relationship with my script would be decidedly "no." Something about this question makes me feel different, urging me to say yes. The asker's voice is throaty and has the substance and wisdom of a woman, but has too much sparkle left in it to be adult. A sparkle that makes writing seem fun and hopeful again.

I'm very happy to report that my niece, 7, has taken an avid interest in screenwriting. Almost every day she's brainstorming and writing some sort of dialogue in her notebooks. I recently showed her how to use WordPad for future reference, but she immediately got to work typing a story. Later, I saw the printed product lying in the kitchen. My family had already read it (and disapproved), but this was my first look. It was a horror scene. *spoilers ahead* Only two people live (but they do kiss at the end). At the top of the page? Story by: Katelyn, Edited by: Christina. So my name was emblazoned on a controversial horror bit I'd never read. I was elated! She used the word EDITED! Needless to say, the whole thing makes me all warm and fuzzy - uncharacteristically so. I'm typically warm and fuzzy like a grizzly bear, but this makes me kitten texture. I typically leave scars, not positive impressions. This is good.

Of course there's two sides to the coin if she decides to make a career out of it. I'll either be in her thank you speech at the Oscars, or she'll curse my memory while waiting tables in LA. At least I'll be in an insane asylum by then, accompanied by the phantoms of all my own unpublished stories. That's why I try to make my characters as interesting as possible. Someday we're gonna have a grand old time together.

Pierced dreams

2010-11-01T15:53:00.003-04:00

As I see my puppy biting a spool of thread:

Christina: GRACIE! OMG does that have a needle in it? Are you trying to give yourself a tongue piercing?!

Katelyn: I really look forward to getting a lip piercing.

Christina: I hope you have a telescope to look through, because that's waaay far into the future.

Katelyn: yeah I do.

Christina: actually, make that a crystal ball.

Katelyn: What?!

Christina: you might have to look into your next lifetime.

Saw 3D... exhibit?

2010-10-28T01:32:00.005-04:00

Me me I wanna go! Hm I do know people who'd pay very good money to have me fitted with one of those jaw locks.

Season's Greetings

2010-10-19T16:42:00.007-04:00

Libra Scales

With October underway, it brings me great joy to extend these

season's greetings to you in celebration of Libra and its plentiful bounty.
May the harvest of you and yours be equally robust.

Cordially,

Christina Rose

Think I have a promising future at Hallmark?

2010-09-19T01:19:00.000-04:00

Watching people get nabbed for stealing is always a treat, especially when it's over some worthless crap like costume jewelry. Do you also skip out on the tab at Sizzler? Jesus YOU'RE STEALING. IT NO LONGER HAS TO BE CHEAP AND TACKY GET IT?

Treated like garbage

2010-09-13T04:21:00.008-04:00

I'm being trailed by huge loud floor cleaning machine at Giant. Maybe my sliminess is starting to leave a physical residue that requires the operator to clean everywhere I step. Aw I'll finally be able to say I was swept off my feet since he's on course to vacuum me entirely.

E Y E H 8 U

2010-09-03T09:39:00.006-04:00

why the fff do I need a current, hot off the presses prescription to order contacts? is there an actual reason i can't just order them based on the info you already have in my file? for one, i can see fine with my lenses now, so even if the strength were off, it wouldn't be by much. the reason, i'm told, is that vision prescriptions are regulated by the FDA just like medication. FDA-regulated? really? are contact lenses dangerous or addictive? well since I'm pretty dependent on like, seeing, I guess my eyes are technically addicted to them. or maybe there's a chance I'd sell them illegally to some underground sect of people who love to OD on vision. IT'S LIKE, YOUR EYES, THEY SEE LIKE 1000%. DUUUUDE IT'S LIKE YOU'RE DIVING INTO A MAGNIFYING GLASS KEEP STARING YOU SEE GOD.

I don't feel like getting examined, I just want some damn lenses. If my eyes wanted to get high, believe me, I know JUST who they have to see. sigh.

blood sisters

2010-09-02T23:28:00.001-04:00

Regretfully welcoming my puppy to the Lyme disease club. Should call it lyme4lyfe, since no one knows if we'll ever be totally rid of it. Even though I seem free of obvious symptoms, I rarely mention it because I feel like talking about it will give it life. I know just thinking about certain things can revive a certain power in them, particularly power over me.

Wow, this Lyme stuff brings to light a possible theory for my arachnophobia... ticks have 8 legs too.

Salmonella blues

2010-08-26T01:04:00.002-04:00

Go away salmonella. Stop disgusting us so we can get back to comfortably eating a chicken's menstrual cycle.

Seriously, when you're already fine and dandy about eating a reproductive specimen, is bacteria really that alarming?

Put a woman's yeast infection near a guy's face, doesn't matter if it clears up. He's scarred for life, possibly never to return (facially, at least). But as soon as this egg bacteria thing blows over, MM ADD SALT, DIP TOAST.

marital

2010-08-17T05:33:00.011-04:00

Everyone knows the stereotype: you get married, it's all downhill from there. The line between love and hate gets as thin as a blade of grass, until finally that blade turns into a dead, ugly weed begging to be plucked from your life. Meanwhile the grass everywhere outside your miserable fence turns a gleaming green, beckoning you every day until you resort to sneaking little rolls in it here and there. As a general rule, at the same time you're caught indulging in the greener grass, you begin to bleed the same color on settlements and legal fees.

so. prop 8 decision, awesome. gay relationships, awesome. paving a deathbed for happy lesbian relationships, notawesome. maybe they'll fare better than the pitiful rate of success currently enjoyed by straight marriages (50%). After all, I'm sure communication is automatically better due to, like, a man not being present (ok ok and for the boys - since they love bones being thrust at them - that a woman isn't there to nag them). I still can't help but fear. Sure, there are devoted couples who have been waiting decades for this who will finally get to realize their dream. It's those brash young souls who worry me. With rainbows in their eyes, drunk with revolutionary spirit, scores of awesome, perfectly happy lesbians will dive in headfirst, foraying into that fairytale garden of marriage where flowery relationships go to wilt.

Even for the most cautious, to be among the first beneficiaries of a landmark, tide-changing piece of American history is seductive. Take desegregation, when blacks attained the freedom to use any bathroom or waterfountain they damn well pleased. At first it might have been a bit enthralling to use formerly white-only bathrooms. But in hindsight, what on God's earth is so great about sharing a bathroom with whites? Maybe their condescension had everyone convinced it literally didn't stink. What a dreadful discovery the truth must have been. After the initial thrill of partaking in monumental historical change, sharing in the experience of whites taking a dump probably lost its appeal quickly. I bet there are black people today who would rejoice getting their own bathrooms back. If there were an Italians-only bathroom, you better believe I'd be using it. Limiting the clientele means a lot less pee and poop to contend with. If some dummy anti-sexism activists got mens & ladies rooms desegregated into unisex bathrooms, I'd be HORRIFIED. I'd rather use some bushes than that sewer.

Liberties make this country great, but there are times when they are strictly ideological. Once they go into practice, the freedom isn't as great as it seemed before it was attained. Voting (still up for debate how useful that right is) and freedom to get an education are important. But bear with me, awesome lesbians of the world. Right now it might make you feel like trailblazers to get married, but after a while, you, too, might wonder if exposing yourself to all that extra shit was such a great idea.

Friends don't let friends buy exotic cars

2010-08-07T06:56:00.004-04:00

On my morning walk, I saw a Viper convertible smashed next to a tree, dead body lying alongside, license plate '646 HP.' Unreal, totally looks like a public service announcement on reckless driving.

Chasing tail

2010-07-30T04:08:00.027-04:00

I did my dog so dirty, leading her into battle then pretty much deserting immediately. I saw an animal slinking in the grass, but it was nighttime so I couldn't make out what it was. All I could tell was that it was small enough for even a Yorkshire Terrier to intimidate. Recognizing this rare opportunity, I ran toward it so Gracie would follow. Closer, I could see its black fur interrupted by a distinct white stripe down the back. I started fleeing back the other way, but saw Gracie was continuing the chase. It's hard to actually run forward when you're not much taller than the grass, so it looks like she's bouncing merrily after this waddling, pitifully slow creature. What a fine example of natural selection: being slower than your predator isn't so bad when you're blessed with ammunition in your ass.

The skunk slipped through a gate with Gracie right at its tail. With both of them on opposite sides, I only had a brief moment of relief before she stuck her tiny face right through an opening in the gate, giving the skunk a perfectly aimed little reticle with her face set right in the center. I did everything I (vocally) could to get her away; physically rescuing her was much too dangerous. My pleas ignored, all I could do was stand by and shoot video. Even after it was out of sight, Gracie loitered around the gate waiting for another glimpse.

This is so often the case in life. Despite repeated warnings to turn back, we press forward in our pursuit, and nothing can reel us back from driving toward whatever or whomever it is we're after. Even in cases where we're painfully aware of our probable demise, turning away just isn't an option. The thrill of the chase so intoxicating, the adrenaline literally dulling the pain of the sting, there's no longer a difference between pleasure and pain.

As for Gracie, she was spared a smelly lesson. Unless you count the lesson of how much I stink as a trusted companion.

fakery

2010-07-29T03:05:00.000-04:00

Well no, I suppose I "don't know how to act," and I'm glad. Unless you're making millions at it, going around playing roles and being fake as hell for people's approval seems exhausting.

(if you are making millions at it, we should totally get together to discuss this further)

Check yo altitude

2010-07-24T04:53:00.001-04:00

Careful. That high horse is starting to buckle under the weight of your massive ego. Nevermind a vet, that poor thing is going to need a chiropractor. There you are, about to be hurled back down to earth, hovering above scanning for a landing pad, expecting everyone to cushion the blow of your ridiculously selfish mistakes. That's not a cloud blocking all the sun around here, it's you. Could you scoot over a few... states? I'd even settle for countries.

The hours of calls, texts, and who could forget the voicemails. You have to leave them in several installments because your bitter rants are far too long and important to fit into just one. Maybe voicemails have a time limit because it's perfectly reasonable to actually STFU at some point? Just a theory.

The only way to avoid your self-righteousness is to banish all channels of communication from my life. Maybe join a monastery. Then again they must have a mailbox, so I still wouldn't be safe from letters proclaiming how right you are. Even if I returned them all to sender, you'd find some cunning way to deliver your message. You'd send flowers as bait and put "From: RIGHT, To: WRONG" on the little card.

I know you persist because it's important to you that we see things from your perspective, but that's just not possible. Unless you fly me and a horse on a stick to Mt Everest so I can perch atop the highest peak, it will have to stay that way. I expect it would be a high, mighty, but very lonely view. For that, I almost have sympathy. Almost.

LEAVE CHRIS BROWN ALONE!!! :'(

2010-07-06T16:12:00.001-04:00

Poor Chris Brown. Everyone's making fun of his tearful tribute to Michael Jackson. Have a heart people. Having the "most abusive person in the music industry" torch passed to you is a very poignant occasion.

Advertisers and bloodsucking wolves: a natural partnership

2010-07-01T10:09:00.006-04:00

So the execs had a meeting. Let's think, how can we possibly make Twilight even more dark and alluring than it already is? Have we exhausted all angles? No, there is one more device of titillating intrigue. Behold...VOLVO. Some things should not be cross-promoted.

To the bag lady

2010-06-24T05:15:00.001-04:00

What I was TRYING to say to you on my freshly upgraded AIM, but couldn't because of all the new and improved ways it has to crash.

I know exactly how I would have gotten satisfaction waiting on those snotty women in the Coach bag department. As they're walking away but still in earshot I'd be like, "what an old bag." Then when they turn around all appalled, "What? It's from last season."

At first they'd try to be convinced, but it would eat away at them so much they'd book the next available botox treatment.

Faisal Shahzad warns of further attacks on his intelligence

2010-06-22T13:04:00.023-04:00

"Faisal Shahzad, the Pakistan-born American who admitted "100 times over" trying to detonate a car bomb near Times Square, warned of further attacks unless the United States leaves Muslim countries alone." Telegraph

It's tragic that this massive laughingstock of a failure is able to gloat and funnel threats to America. This kind of press gives him the opportunity to feel big and bad - two things he couldn't be further from. He should be getting press that lets him shine for who he really is. Well maybe not shine; illuminating stuff isn't one of his strengths. He does deserve exposure, and we absolutely deserve to see it, but it has to be fitting. Here's a suggestion. This guy has two kids of his own. Arrange a special prison visitation on one of their birthdays. Kindly set them up with a cake and let dad do the honor of lighting the candles. With an empty lighter. He flicks and flicks as the children look on in disappointment. Publish the footage. That's the extent of publicity he deserves.

"Daaad. COME ON LIGHT THEM ALREADY."

Tori Spelling talks to the dead

2010-06-19T08:54:00.003-04:00

Spelling: I had a psychic encounter with Farrah
"90210" star, who was a former neighbor of the "Charlie's Angels" actress, told Access Hollywood that the blonde bombshell visited her from beyond.

http://today.msnbc.msn.com/id/37738633/from/toolbar

I hate to break this to everyone, most of all to Gretchen because she's so discriminating about paranormal events yet seemed to believe this one. That wasn't a voice from the other side, it was her stomach growling.

Gladiator Graveyard found in U.K.

2010-06-19T08:50:00.000-04:00

It's so fascinating when they find physical links to such inconceivable times. Written accounts are interesting, but it's so beyond our modern comprehension that it can seem unreal. Public slaughter by beasts? Really? A mosh pit is the closest I've come.

Gladiator graveyard found in U.K., experts say - msnbc.com

choo-choo choke

2010-06-15T10:22:00.003-04:00

Roasting. Giant hunks of meat. Open pit.

These words might evoke images of a scrumptious cookout. As much as I'd love to be describing the sights, smells and tastes of one of these festive summer occasions, it just isn't so. One of the drawbacks of having a robust appetite is that I'm never invited to those, anyway.

To see the true picture of what I'm describing, we must go down below, on a descent into the living BBQ that is the New York City subway.

Standing above ground before you even start down the steps, feeling the heat rising up from the subway entrance gives you a sense of the hellish climate you're about to enter. In Dante's Inferno, hell has nine "cerchios," or circles. I call them platforms. Sometimes I wonder if this will be the time the steps come to a jagged end and I go plunging into a pit of burning coals.

To be sure, the trains themselves are air conditioned (ironically, the energy from the A/C on the trains heats up the rest of the station!), and they do come mighty fast on Fridays at peak hours. There we were, safely aboard the B train, sitting peacefully with actual air to breathe. Now that oxygen has returned to my brain, I remember we're on our way to a Yankee game. YES!! The train is stopped and the doors open, but all that's left is standing room. Wait...what's happening. My breathing room is clogged up again. Level with my face, a giant heap of meat rolls out from under a purple blouse. More people get on. An armpit reminiscent of a mangled bird's nest spreads open right above my head.

Roasting. Giant hunks of meat. Open pit.

delicious

Katelyn's QOTD

2010-05-28T05:37:00.006-04:00

She's really getting into Lara Croft: Tombraider. It's the sort of game that doesn't cater to instant gratification, so it's a pleasant surprise that someone not even 7 yet can appreciate the perseverance it takes to get through each level. Last night, I was getting frustrated with playing and was about to give up on finding the route out of a particular room. When I said something to the effect of it being too hard, she replied "No it's not, you just have to put your mind to it."

I love that she's starting to embrace the idea that effort leads to success. And moreover, the more effort it requires, the more rewarding the success.

I hate to weigh down this post with such a grim disclosure, but since I use this as a journal to look back and reflect on things, it needs to be said. Katelyn's mom died suddenly a couple weeks ago. She's internalized her feelings for the most part. Kids don't verbalize emotions like adults do, which is really hard for me to deal with. I have an insatiable drive to know everything people are thinking and feeling, but I have to let her express it on her own terms. Even though I want to take her and swaddle her pain away, I have to understand that some wounds can only heal with exposure to air.

She has been living with us since it happened. Only during the last few days has she been saying little things here and there about her mom's absence, like "Maybe I can visit her and bring her back," "It will be 96 years until I see her again," and "We didn't even get to say goodbye or I love you." Even though her mom wasn't related to me by blood, because of my love for Katelyn, it's as though I lost my own family member. It has been shattering and heartbreaking for me, especially when I look into her eyes. They're huge and blue and kill. They have always been full of light, energy, and an ardent curiosity for life. Afraid of what pain or gloom I might find in their depths, sometimes I can't even look into them now. To see such darkness crash into her life so suddenly is tragic. It reminds me of a scene you might see in an apocalyptic film, where a shadow begins to wash over a vibrant, sunny landscape. I have faith that her brightness, both in her spirit and her intelligence, will keep the darkness from eclipsing her life. I know she is a source of light in mine.

Edinburgh time lapse

2010-05-25T07:56:00.004-04:00

Funny how such amazing things can be right in front of my eyes, yet so often I seem to look right past them or miss them altogether. I wonder how much might be passing me by. If only we could somehow speed up the sequence of events, opportunities and people to see the total effect they really have on our lives. As it is, I have to figure out how to find value in the smaller, more subtle unfolding of things. Only then, when I view them in hindsight, will I be able to play them back and see their full magnitude.

Late night walk

2010-05-17T05:05:00.000-04:00

Taking a late night walk with Gracie in the city, borrowing safety from U of Penn's fine security force. The campus comprises six city blocks where commoners like me can share the prestigious Penn air and the campus police who patrol the area. Then again, nothing in life is free. Or in death, for that matter. For all I know they'd search me for Penn ID then leave me to die a common, non tuition-paying death waiting for regular cops. Even if you happen to meet your demise on an Ivy League campus, legacies aren't free either. If it made the papers, I wouldn't get the satisfaction of anyone possibly thinking "she went to Penn? Impressive." I bet it would read something like, "Lepone, who had no affiliation with Penn, and whose existence is in no way endorsed by it, was walking the streets at 4am prior to her attack."

Prestige of Penn attendance: $40,000/yr.

Being presumed a crackhead: priceless

Update on last post

2010-05-05T03:13:00.006-04:00

It's time to reveal the illicit affair between BP and Mother Nature and the special Britney Spears song dedication she sent them:

You're toxic I'm slippin' under
The taste of your poison, paradise
I'm addicted to you, don't you know that you're toxic?

Really???

2010-05-01T04:49:00.003-04:00

"Document: BP didn't plan for major oil spill - Yahoo! News
http://news.yahoo.com/s/ap/us_louisiana_...

British Petroleum downplayed the possibility of a catastrophic accident at an offshore rig that exploded, causing the worst U.S. spill in decades along the Gulf coast and endangering shoreline habitat."

I'm stunned. Here I thought they had planned to bathe mother nature in toxic ethanol because she's a dirty, dirty, girl.

Apple mind control is real

2010-04-29T16:48:00.001-04:00

With a few breezy glides of my thumb, I set the alarm on my new phone, one of the many routine tasks made strangely delightful by the iPhone. I had a good stretch and melted into the soft cocoon of my sheets - cold and crisp, just how I like them. I only had a few hours to nap. This would be an engulfing sort of slumber, the kind only a nagging alarm could penetrate, so I made triple sure it was set.

I awoke to the sound of a sassy little girl mouthing off. Amazing, even the alerts on this thing are unique! Odd though...the snooze button isn't silencing it. I unlocked the phone screen and a more traditional-sounding alarm starts to ring. I squint, squeezing the time on the clock into faint visibility. I hadn't slept just a few hours, I slept 7. And the 'alert' that woke me? My niece sassing my mom (incidentally it would still make a pretty good phone alert)

So why did I oversleep 4 hours? I discovered that my phone came set up so that the alarm doesn't go off when the screen is locked. The alarm, polite chap that it is, waits for you to wake up and unlock it at your own leisure before it starts ringing. Now I know Apple is celebrated for innovating how we do things, but expecting me to wake up to sound my own alarm is a bit much. The other possibility is that they expect any respectable iPhone user will surely be using it IN THEIR SLEEP anyway, ensuring it will be unlocked. Yes you, person reading this who sends sleep-texts, have set the freakish bar.

Ah, I too will learn to give up my brain to Apple's control. In time... in time.

Of course Apples keep doctors away. It's called distorted reality, people. Cocaine users aren't too social with medical professionals either. Bet you never heard anyone say "a line of coke a day..."

They grow up so fast

2010-04-22T06:20:00.003-04:00

Taken from a phone convo between my 6-year-old niece and her grandfather, when the disappearance of his phone mysteriously coincided with her leaving our house.

My dad: "Did you take my cell phone to your house?"
Katelyn: "Y-y-o-oure B-bre-a-akin U-u-p."

Ahh, the transition from plain lying to crafty deceit, such a beautiful phase.

Look at the face of this gorged American

2010-04-20T17:33:00.002-04:00

The custard stand opened for the season. Goodbye willpower against food I shouldn't have - nice knowin ya.

Can't 3rd world countries start adopting US for a change? Maybe a Feed the Children/Starve the Americans exchange program?

Spring cheer

2010-04-16T05:09:00.000-04:00

I watched the Yankees win and played free pool at D&B tonight. can't complain. even though those two words give me a choking sensation.

my5yearworkanniversarygiftSUCKED. k whew almost died there.

Just got home

2010-03-15T22:47:00.004-04:00

much later than expected, thanks to you. To think I believed I would actually get somewhere with you. For shame.

I am referring to the unexpected, some might even say accidental, encounter we had this evening. I guess it was partly my fault - I should have seen the warning signs. Thinking back, they were all there, with flashing lights even, I was just too caught up to notice. Even so, I thought it would be one of those brief things that would be over before it began and I'd get back on track, but no - it turned out to be much, much more.

How was it for me? Well, it left me feeling hopelessly lost and alone with nowhere to turn. I thought you were kind of intriguing before - even if just because you were host to Teddy Pendergrass' paralyzing accident while he received oral pleasure. But now, because the road I needed was closed and you were my only other option, I've finally seen for myself the endless stretch of torture with no way out you really are. There I was in your snares, trapped in the plodding, geriatric nightmare of your 25mph speed limit that you somehow get EVERY moron to abide even as I tried to run them off the road. Oh wait, no wonder that was impossible - you have medians on all sides. Blocking all other streets. Therefore NO. PLACE. TO TURN. DO YOU FANCY YOURSELF THAT AMAZING THAT YOU THINK PEOPLE COULD WANT NO OTHER ROAD BUT YOU?

Our encounter really did leave a lasting impression on me. I will never forget to keep hating your asphalt guts, Lincoln Drive.

Love,
Christina

And they call it.... puppy hate

2010-03-10T06:18:00.002-05:00

My dog has turned into an insane bag lady. She growls and snarls at everyone and is in desperate need of grooming. She'd be content just spending her entire existence sleeping and devouring endless quantities of food. Where does she GET such vile behavior?

(update: she's been thinking about her options and decided the streets of a Los Angeles beach district would be most ideal. great views and little shame since homelessness is basically equivalent to middle class)

Layers of Heaven

2010-02-10T20:26:00.001-05:00

Unfortunately through a screen, a shot of layers of heaven above the hell. By the time I got outside they were gone.

Kate: scholar of body image :)

2010-02-10T20:19:00.000-05:00

I was flipping through my new Human Sexuality textbook over the weekend, and as the pages are flying by, I catch a glimpse of... no - no it can't be. I flip back frantically to find the page, and sure enough there's Kate Winslet pictured in the chapter on Body Image! It's awesome to see academics recognizing her wisdom on this subject. Such a cool surprise during the borefest of weekend homework!

Heroes

2010-01-29T14:43:00.001-05:00

I can't talk about heroism without first saying how much I respect and appreciate the U.S. military. I could never dream of having the bravery they employ every day. Like, literally cannot. I think I once ran from a baby seal in a dream. Cute or not, MY luck I'd stop to pet it and it would club me to death.

It's a mixed blessing to rely on other people's strength, to be able to nestle our own weaknesses safely behind the shields of those we recruit to fight our battles. The people I choose for my wars (aka "relationships") are usually the opposite of me. And usually unaware they signed up for a war at all until they're bleeding out in agony. Typically, they have heaps of patience, a positive outlook, and a heart. As I said, opposite of me.

Unsung heroes. They have strength where I'm weak, they stand where I fall, they love me at my most unlovable. Looking through their eyes, my villains appear conquerable, or even entirely nonexistent. It feels like osmosis, like confidence, strength or hope is something that can be absorbed from an outside source. And I hate to say it, but it's a sham. A sham-wow that absorbs then gets wrung out over and over, on every channel by a man shouting into an unnecessary headset, until it resembles a shriveled kidney. Quite humiliating.

No matter what it seems, no one else can fill my voids but me. The worst thing in the world is to have your self-esteem riding on someone else, especially when it involves... riding on someone else. That's the worst. No matter how much confidence they pump into me, no matter how special they once made me feel, the minute faith is lost in that person, the fuel drains, everything stinks, and I'm broken down again... until the next person comes to the rescue. and consequently their own demise.

That's the thing about having heroes... we don't have to learn how to fight our own demons.

State of the Union

2010-01-27T13:10:00.002-05:00

I can't wait to hear the Sermon on the Mount tonight. He's going to multiply 2 loaves of bread to feed millions to illustrate his plan, I KNOW it.

PS JESUS DIDN'T LUG AROUND A TELEPROMPTER SIR. hm unless maybe God did sky writing for him.

Bagels, I miss thee

2010-01-25T18:38:00.000-05:00

Nothing can replace a romantic relationship quite like a bagel clobbered with cream cheese. The way it replicates the feeling of joy followed by self-loathing...it's practically love.

We're the kids in America

2010-01-03T07:05:00.002-05:00

Ahh I love this song/movie. On New Year's Eve Alonda and I memorialized Brittany Murphy by doing a bunch of her quotes from it. RIP... hopefully not sporadically.

Moving along. A conversation that began about Harry Potter tattoos landed somewhere on the subject of global affairs. Inevitably.

Joclyn, D and I were pondering why the rest of the world hates America. Arrogance, holding itself above the U.N., materialism. The usual. I brought the list of Americanisms full circle by interrupting to go to Starbucks.

Once there, I couldn't help but feel like I was still in the conversation. Not verbally, but by what I observed. On my way in, some girls block my path. I fake a polite "excuse me," which fails to be heard above their loud chatter. Outside of themselves, everything and everyone else is irrelevant. I eventually find a secret passageway in the floor to get to the other side of these important individuals. After I sit down, I notice a few other strapping young Americans shamelessly gawking at a couple speaking an Eastern European language. Theories aside, one doesn't need to go much further than the mall to see why we're not loved, by each other or by the rest of the world. Even among ourselves, we fail to grasp that we're not the only ones occupying it.

Noise

2009-12-30T17:58:00.011-05:00

It's standard procedure for people in my family to talk to each other from different rooms. Heck, lots of times they even talk from different FLOORS. It's also effectively molded my niece into the loudest person in the world. As if Dora the Explorer asking viewers to repeat after her shrieking voice wasn't bad enough of an influence. "Can you say, IRRITACIÓN??? Say, IRRITACIÓN." I sat in silent dread watching her open Christmas gifts from my parents this year, terrified that the wrapping paper would be torn away to reveal a Hannah Montana megaphone or something. I saw this sentiment on a friend's Facebook and cringed at how much it seems to apply:

Thinking back, I don't remember even noticing it as a kid. Actually, I know I didn't, because I didn't see the twisted coincidence of buying my mom 'Exclamation!' perfume for her birthday that is so obvious to me now. Back then all I thought was that the bottle was the most clever thing I'd ever seen:

haha see, it's an exclamation point!!!1

Alas, all the added mental noise that comes with adulthood must drive down how much tolerance we have left for external stuff. I used to sleep so deeply that someone running a vacuum in the same room couldn't wake me up. Now I lay awake and nudge someone if they're breathing out loud. The nerve of them, inhaling oxygen.

I like to deal with things in the most creative way I can, so my method for combating the across-the-house talking is with my own series of annoying I CANT HEAR YOOOOU responses.

Here's a recent example of my mom, in the kitchen, talking to me, in the living room:

Mom: OMG, they were just saying Tiger Woods has 7 or 8 homes.
Me: Hos?
Mom: HOMES. Houses.
ME: Hussies???
Mom: Residences.

hmph she wins. ♥ my mommy

The Second Amendment at its finest

2009-12-30T17:22:00.001-05:00

TV Shot to Death After Saints Beat Redskins

This is tragic. What a missed opportunity! If I had a TV to blow, I would have offered it to the biggest Saints fan, put it outside, and watched them shoot EACH OTHER over it.

Winter Wonder

2009-12-23T09:56:00.015-05:00

All the winter weather we've had in the past week brings up different perspectives. Who loves it, who hates it, who's indifferent, who just roots for any hazard that gets them off school or work and would welcome an anthrax scare given the chance. Some people love the seasons, others find winter messy and inconvenient. I'm not a fan of the cold, and while there are aspects of winter I can't deny liking, I never stopped to identify why exactly I like snow. This last storm bestowed 23" on Philadelphia and plenty of spare time to loaf around and reflect on what I enjoy about it. It's interesting when people from warm climates get in on the topic. When a Californian I normally adore told me he doesn't like snow, and how that's putting it nicely, I felt its virtues deserved notice.

For one, I love how snowstorms empty the roads. I've been called crazy for wanting to venture out in it, but I do it enjoy the absence of craziness, to embrace the world at its most tranquil, when it's clear and quiet enough to feel it hugging me back. The snow turns the earth into a huge canvas, miles wide, reminding me that I'm an active brush stroke on it. Every tree is highlighted, every step, even my puppy's, makes a distinct print and sound. All the manmade divisions of space - medians, lanes, pavement - become invisible beneath it, and I begin to notice all the sheer space around me. Space that's normally filled with cars, activity and...things. Things that distract, frustrate, spoil and make us want more. Things that come between, shrouding the magnificence of what we've already been given.

Almost as if someone is lifting away the shroud by its corners, snowstorms leave behind crystal clear air and skies. Everything coated in white, the stars on brilliant display, none of the normal bustle cluttering your vision, you can almost see to the end of the earth. This might be the closest glimpse the city gets to the vast plains and divine sky the natives observed. Still and silent, nature blanketing the earth all around, it brings a unique peace and clarity.

Besides the visual display, driving is also uniquely exciting. At night, empty road, sliding on sneaky slick patches of ice, the bursts of adrenaline. It's an eerily sexual experience.

The times in my life that are most tense and stressful are those where I'm trying to control everything, align every detail perfectly, and generally obsess over the outcome. Encountering those rare, sudden patches where control slips away, I start moving completely unable to stop myself. There's just something so exhilarating about losing control.

The whirlwind of the past couple months is positively no exception.

♥

Chloe Sevigny é Magnifico

2009-12-21T17:25:00.006-05:00

As soon as I start to accept that nobody's perfect, she goes and wears this.

Spidercar, Spidercar

2009-12-17T02:26:00.012-05:00

Drives wherever a spidercar drives.

Prowling the mall lot for parking, a Firebird and my Mustang approached a car leaving a spot at the same time. In the thick of the holiday season, a period that ironically drains the conscience of all kindness and regard for fellow man, I was quite sure we both thought the same thing: "It's on." In the frigid darkness of night, two gentle ponies began their metamorphosis into wild stallions. The Transformers Decepticon on my front plate facing Spiderman head-on, it was clear what had to be done. Well not really that clear, but it would undoubtedly be epic.

Then, like a little smile from the parking gods, a second parked car's reverse lamps lit up. The glowing white lights signaled the purity that could now remain unmolested in our hearts, for we'd no longer have to tangle over one parking spot. Both cars tucked cozily in their lairs, I sensed a mutual warmth as Spiderfan and I walked to the mall entrance, both sighing to ourselves, "Well, that worked out."

Oh yeah, all I originally wanted to say. His car needs a paint job so bad it drives him up the wall. zing!

(yes, I was the weirdo taking a picture of his car on my way out)